66 THE MISSOURI REVIEW • SPRING 2020Dear Selection Committee,
I would like to be considered for the position
of drinking a bottle of chardonnay every night
and then making love with the most beautiful
person I know until we both pass out. I would
like to request, as well, as little talking as possible
between the hours of legs open and legs closed,
except lavish compliments and sweet but slightly
dirty requests. If hired, I will need some modest
accommodations, such as mornings free of any
obligations, and afternoons scheduled to practice
my kegel exercises and rehydrate. I would prefer
an office with a view overlooking the most
intriguing mysteries of the universe, but I will
settle for a small window into the mind of God,
so long as I have curtains to pull closed when
it gets too awkward. I have no previous experience
but I am a quick learner and an expert self-starter.
My recommenders will tell you, I am certain,
that I am the most adept person they know when
it comes to finding the hidden value in hungover
calculations of how many more hours until bedtime.
Please do not hesitate to let me know if you would
like a sample of my creative work, which was
produced in collaboration with the only other
person I know who might be qualified for this
job, which I mention just in case another position
opens up before the application window closes. I
am attaching my résumé, which is pheromone
scented for your olfactory pleasure and which
surely, you will agree, merits a possibly premature
but unanimous, and wholly sincere, victory toast.
